pure misery in candy colored blasts [now with new improved failures in self-politisisation] !

or rather in the tiny, tiny imperceptible.

notes from the underground, i wish: I’m supposed to be learning the cure for cancer for my biology exam tomorrow. But I suppose I must get something down before I do that. btw, I know you probably know, but did you know some Japanese dude made it so now we don’t really need embryo’s for stem cell research and with just the addition of four genes, we can now make embryonic-like stem cells out of skin cells which is good ‘cus they’re undifferentiated and can grow up to be disease free cells that replace the bad things in one’s body. NYT’s soft news coverage.

Various Sevedox: Revelations is Sevedox’s favorite chapter. Being in school makes you discover facets of people you’d never even know was a facet to have. “I like Ecclesiastes too,” he says.

breakfast, Antonioni is dead, Sartre, none of it makes sense.

He’s the one.

No, I mean not THE ONE. THE ONE is Serge Gainsbourg. And he’d already been dead. And also a slut.

I mean he made everything ok. I mean everything.

I feel genuine sadness as opposed to my normal vague, irritation sadness. It’s alarming – something like wetness behind my eyes but not quite fulsome yet, my body is unaccustomed to emotion.

According to NYT’s lofty tribute, he went around “inspiring intense measures of admiration, denunciation and confusion….” Like, my life’s goal? And now it’s gone, and he’s gone.

I didn’t even get to see him or touch him or make out. He was 94.

Hell is not having anyone around when you find out Antonioni is dead:

Luckily, didn’t have to experience hell for long.

“How are you?” roommate comes in from the outside world, bearing lime seltzer.

“Antonioni.”

“Yeah, dead. The day after Bergman, too.”

“GOD. Can you believe it?”

“It sucks.” Flops down on the couch across from me. He understands.

“I’m actually – really sad. It’s wierd. I don’t even get death, and I’m sad.”

“Uhhh,” sip of lime seltzer.

“Well, I’ve never known anyone that’s died, so you know, I can’t really understand it,” I hastily explain, not wanting to sound like a sociopath.

“Well I’ve known people who’ve died, and it’s still wierd,” he says, twirling the lid of his lime seltzer bottle.

“Oh. ok. Cool.”

“How cool is Blow-up?” he says. He moves the air conditioner dial to Cool.

“He basically…changed my life.” I say to my roommate, not really knowing what this means. “L’avventura, La Notte, L’eclisse – I wasn’t the same after those.”

Luckily my roommate’s phone rings, breaking us out of our stupor. “You’re phone is ringing,” I tell him.

“I know. How are you anyway? How were your exams?” he asks.

“Ugh, ok.” I tell him about my excellent egg sandwich in the morning being responsible for my wierdly smooth ace of my exam on Kate Chopin and Willa Cather who have nothing to do with each other, really, I’ve realized.

ok, time for the long tangent: Because I want to deny hunger forever, I never eat breakfast – but the thrifty Korean in me said ‘yes’ when Kklov jauntily asked me whether I wanted an egg sandwich. Wasn’t prepared for this break in my routine, but, shrug. I put it in a tupperware container but couldn’t find the top which i had had in my hand just a moment before. So I walked out carrying it topless exposing my ketchup habits. I jammed bits of it in my mouth on the J train feeling like a normal commuter for once, to the horror of two Polish teens across from me wearing color-coordinated outfits.

Because At (roomie) looks interested, or it could be his personality is muted because he quit smoking, I go on to tell him about my latest texting disaster (as in someone not texting back) and my renewed conviction that those closest to me will devastate me. “I’ve never been dumped,” he muses as I relay to him my one experience of being dumped, which was so sad (but not as sad as Antonioni dying).

We’ve gotten so he asks me how I am and I actually answer because I get the genuine sense that he wants to hear. Is it because he’s from one of the Dakotas, as in North or South? Is it the great frontier, ala Cather, that does this to people and vice versa, streamlining brains into a continuously frank yet distinct treatment of self vs. world? Like, as At says to everything and anyone, “awesome?” I can lean in and tell him things, exercise spontaneity in the morning when we are blind without glasses/contacts and bump into shit, I can even be without affectation in the eve, albeit usually sharing the now absent cig with him. How strange. How contrasting with the shroud of gloom and dissociativeness that comes over me in my general social environment.

Then again when I woke up this morning (I fell asleep at 6 am) at 10, I dreamt I stood up on my loft bed ladder, and my entire bed fell to the floor, slow motion. It was all quite normal in the dream.

“I think medication is making me really obsessive,” I say, as I realize I’ve been obsessing aloud.

“You have been obsessing a lot,” he says. He’s alarmed, not because I’m crazy but because his phone’s buzzing. His text message reminder and phone calls have the same ringtone. “I get really tense when my phone buzzes because I have to wait and see if it’s a phone call so I don’t pick it up.”

“Why don’t you change the tone.”

“I can, I should, but the real problem is me getting so tense when I get a phone call. I experience like 5 seconds of tenseness as I wait to see if it rings a second time.”

It rings a second time.

Ok, this is making me mad. (no, not you.) I literally said and wrote all of the above, then, after roomie went to sleep, I began hunting for Monica Vitti pics as I do occasionally and particularly now, and I came across this article , which basically says everything I just said, or “I was a college student when I saw ”L’Avventura” for the first of many times, and it changed my life.” Fuck. It changed MY life. And mine only.

Wait a minute – searching longer for Monica Vitti pics, I come across this Village Voice article using the same Sartre pun I used and then disc NYT used!!! What !! “Seeing and Nothingness” J Hoberman called it.

Sartre 3x in this post? Life sucks.

Village Voice article written June 6 2006. NYT was June 4th. Coincidence? Whatever – here’s a pic:

It was hard to find a good one of her and Alain Delon – they’re all so dramatic too, I like this one ‘cus they’re laughing and Alain Delon’s my boyfriend.

Anyway, article accurately expressing many things and neatly haunting in bringing us back to what really matters: Antonioni’s death.

Week in review: it’s never over, and thinking is hard.

P.s. I’m writing more these days because I have a really long study break. FYI.

Cameltoe as coping mechanism: Thursday is the last day of school for me every week. I get up every day at ungodly hours. Today for example I got up at 7 am. My state was atrocious; eyes bugging out, back curled in the remainder of a fetal position, me falling over while putting on my strangely skin tight stretchpants that prompted my roommate to go “Buns!” when he first saw me. (It’s a sociological experiment; how does it feel to wear bordering-on-cameltoe, 60$ stretch pants – one feels self-conscious, yet protected by the stealthlike leanness. I bought them at Barneys in a fashion emergency and they’re actually worth the money. Moreover, they make my legs look better. I walk around and it’s like god is routinely scooping me up in a velvet fist and throwing me about. Cool feeling.)

Morning coffee is not so easy: I go to the grocery store where the Indian dude already knows me and gives me a two dollar discount on my “large coffee with two shots of espresso please.” The first time I asked him for double espresso, he glared at me, took forever, and charged me 3.50$ for it, ignoring me as I grumbled in shock about it. Now he gaily greets me as I tell him “I need to be awake today. I have a test” or some other academic emergency. “I understand” he says and quickly gives my coffee order to the coffee bloke, in the knowing, businesslike sense of “I know no one has ever conceived of double shot espresso large coffees in this here World Famous Deli, but it’s happening, she’s a regular, deal. How many sugar, milk?” He always asks. I don’t have the heart to make him reach for Equal. “Two sugars and cream, please.”  I take that moment to contemplate whether I will be more satisfied by the Chocolate Crunch Rice Krispie treats or Caramel Crunch Rice Krispie Treats.  Today I got a banana instead of Rice Krispies, because I’m a better person. Or more like the not sleeping till four, total maximum caffeine at 7, has removed my appetite.

This is how I do: My schedule for this week has been as follows (this is my blog, I get to detail worthless things): Sunday night in bed with my Art History book that’s bigger than anyone’s head. Study Ancient Greek, Byzantine, Hi-Gothic. Scribble things on index cards. Want to cry because I know I have Early Italian Renaissance and Hi-Renaissance ahead of me and there is no respite till Tuesday night by which time I’ll just want to crash instead of celebrating and getting drunk like I used to when completing a test was the equivalent of saving babies, when I didn’t have a quiz every week that I have complete herculean tasks for, which means it doesn’t end, there’s no reason to celebrate, this constant state of stress is just…normal.

Red, red, red: Monday I go to class late even though I’m coming from the Upper West Side which is only 15 minutes away from my school. I run into the teach, who’s also late, and wearing three shades of red. One of the reds is sparkly, and one is a pair of red velour running shoes. “I like the color combo” I say, because I know she’s making a statement and it needs to be affirmed. “I didn’t know if it worked” she says cutely. “Sure it does” I say breezily, as if I know.

Because life is stupid, Starbucks: On break I order a Starbucks Light Frappucino thinking it’ll solve the breakfast ish, and the dude gets made because I try to take some other girl’s Frapp and he says snottily “That’s a Light, miss” and I say “I did order a Light” and he doesn’t listen because he’s mad I tried to take the other. Finally, he hands me a Venti Regular which looks like it will kill me. I ask “Is this a Light?” And he says “Light doesn’t have whipped cream, miss and it has 1/3 less calories.” as if I’m dumb. “Oh. Is the lack of whipped cream the only distinguishing feature? In which case I don’t care if I have a regular.” He repeats the same information to me, takes the Frapp, dumps it dramaticaly in the trash, and tells me he’s going to make a Light because “that’s what you ordered, miss.” I keep saying “I don’t mind, I don’t mind” and he says “You ordered a Light, miss, I’m going to give you a light.”Pure bitch. I grab my Frapp and by that time I’m late from break.

likes being challenged, hmm: Luckily I’m funny when I get back and use the Frapp as a gesturing prop. Cheerleader girls laugh and I think to myself, wow, being 27 has its benefits – cynicism has made me droll. Some of this funniness however, has a lot to do with my inability to control my obnoxious quips. I say to the teacher after class, “I feel like I’m being abrasive.” Aka the lesbo fiasco last week where I looked at her coolly and said “what’s wrong with that?” when she said a hetero girl putting a pic of herself kissing another girl on Facebook is unseemly, to which she responded “Hey, I’m a feminist!”

She says “you challenge me. I don’t mind being challenged.” Kind, kind woman.

No phone causes psychological distress: Monday night is bad because I think I’ve lost my phone at Mar’s birthday party. I had left bloke that morning with no plans to meet up even though we had made tentative plans to watch Anchorman and I get mad because there’s no attempt to book me, and that’s always a sign that things are going downhill. Things were all cute over the weekend when I was in my party personality – gold eyeshadow, whiskey, cig, and smacking people in the arm. Flitting about with random bouncy gestures seems to have the effect of making people think I am somebody, or something.

(Oh yeah Sunday after the party boy was in my hood for once. He got to sit in our music “studio” and roll out his beautiful musical imagery that is more evocative than any normal phrase; my roomie walked around with his brilliant capital “F” tattoo emblazoned on his chest and little boy shorts, listening while tying an amp onto the loftbed post, which I protested against, and both insisted it was ok. The two worlds of home and boy united, I felt giddily integrated as we went up to UWS where boy became very concerned about my inefficient way of getting ready.)

Anchorman, because he’s schooling me on American humor, the general project of unravelling me and putting me back together in a form I can hardly recognize. I’ve already shown him my British favorites: Alan Partridge and Spaced, but it’s not something movie nights are made of.

But no communication for two days, and by Wednesday I’m a wreck. Prep for my Art history exam, surprisingly, drives me batty. I thought I was over the whole wanting to succeed thing. (So Asian.) I had sat at a poorly lit rickety wooden table that just needed some TLC from a decent set of tools like these here and it would have been fine,  Monday night sucking in Marlboro UltraLights and straight vodka till the wee hours, spending 1.5 hours talking about late 80’s early 90’s pop music with my other DJ roomie who has encyclopedic knowledge of all sorts of music, esp cheese. Of course I had to hunt around for classic freestyle songs and Prince and create definitive playlists with Donatello and Bruneschelli glaring at me on the side with their thousand year old mathematical precision and celestial visions.

Index cards don’t work: The spectre of thousands of words integrated with glossy photographic images flanked by historical timelines is enough for me to maintain denial through the night that I’d have to finish the Renaissance. By Tuesday evening I was still getting down the details of how the hell Bruneschelli built the Florence Cathedral Dome (by building it on the drum and not the rotunda, or something), the largest dome ever made at the time. And promptly forgot everything no matter how many times I flipped through my index cards shamelessly on the subway. I had all the dates rolling off my tongue. The one thing I neglected to study was the Hagia Sophia which also happened to be one of the two questions on the exam.

Flashback to 6th form in England when I almost pass out from the dizzying action of taking my index cards out of my breastpocket and going back and forth till I knew nothing of who I was or where I was, thinking perhaps death was preferable, in fact a happy place. Remember why I was so scarred by trying to be a brilliant student – because I’m crap at studying. I really am just crap. When I studied for AP in high school, I stayed up all night to the chagrin and disgust of my mum (who surely had a structured way of learning un-poisoned by emotional investment), with a pen and three different colored highlighters, lining the book to shreds to try to understand every psychological, historical minutae of Western European History. My brain bursts into strained pus, and the only option is to clean-slate it and become complete insane.

A few years to recover, and my ginger re-introduction to thinking again, is usually preceded by reading a couple of bad, visceral books. I get convinced my habits and mind are clean enough so knowledge will seep through me like runny waters of gold, but no, now, instead of sugar, it’s cigs and coffee I’m cramming into me to blunt the force of self-doubt and muddled writhings of illogical shit.

I wanted to share this activity with you and you had to go eat ice cream. I party on the weekends, and do homework in the wee hours at the precise moment that I am officially doing it the wrong way – all to postpone fears of intellectual inadequacy, which is unbearable – it is preferable to deprive myself of sleep, snap at people, and think of suicide.

Because this pace is hard to keep up with, I try to have my tiny bit of chill, except it’s every night. I think in a moment of radical hope, that watching Anchorman with you is something I can fit in, I can do my NYT reading while watching that, sure, and beforehand too, I’ll be behind the stone kitchen counter smiling while you bread pork cutlets because that makes you feel connected to me, I need to connect with you, because I’m lost, my day is held together by desperate considerations of ideal behavior, guilt, guilt, regret.

And who am I to turn down a bottle of Oregon Pale Ale you had someone bring me off a plane? Must stand still and enjoy the complex bubbly hops while you look at my face to drink in the mixture of surprise and pleasure. I’m keeping it together and if that means putting aside Current Affairs and “what’s Fatah,” “How’s Iraq doing these days?” “Who’s Mitt Romney?” to ask you how you’re breading the pork cutlets and wherefore why so, so be it. A little hour here or there not glued to school, to afford me a kind, sympathetic smile, unfettered by political, distancing, ejecting interfaces,

melts me – I sink into a sofa and let myself go to coos, close-knit jibes and American humor video. Responses to my smiles. Everything’s ok.

“I’m surprised you don’t read the paper” Boy says. “People are really surprised when they find out I don’t know anything, because they think I’m smart.” This after I say, having just read the paper for my current affairs test tomorrow: “People are getting killed in Palestine right now – like – A LOT.”

“You are smart, that’s why I’m surprised you don’t read the paper.” “If I’m smart, it’s accidental, it’s hereditary. Meanwhile I do everything to not support it.” I don’t like concentrating, thinking, trying. This is further proven when we play music for each other, and I reach for Prince and Ace of Base, and he makes me listen to Autechre and Bjork, the more obscure albums, and I only like poppy Autechre and early Bkork. When we get to the track with the Eskimo warbling I want to hurl. I don’t like going outside my aural comfort zone.

I never want to get out of any comfort zone. I don’t like working out, I don’t like walking, I don’t like uncontrollable things. As a consequence I’m a complete control freak and completely dependent upon rituals and safety warnings.

Guess I won’t get to Wednesday in this blog post, or whatever. I have to study.

I knew it! HQ exists.

I’ve missed my journalism class for the past two days due to my head aching for real, not just the demons – my prof asked me for a doctor’s note otherwise I will – gasp, harsh, over – be penalized. I told the truth : I have no health insurance. So not posh.

I have no notes or excuses. I could break down her door crying, but that may not achieve the result I want. Flattery will get me nowhere. Neither will baked goods. I’ll just have to work hard, or something.

Bad grades or not, the class is forcing me to read NYT every day and I love it. I actually know what’s going on in the world, and it doesn’t hurt. For instance, crux: my social class is totally apparent (I thought I could hide it)

Your class, Payne says, determines everything: your eating habits, your speech patterns, your family relations. It is possible to move out of the class you were born into, either up or down, she says, but the transition almost always means a great disruption to your sense of self. And you can ascend the class ladder only if you are willing to sacrifice many of your relationships and most of your values — and only if you first devote yourself to careful study of the hidden rules of the class you hope to enter.

Nice. That means my sense of low self worth and metaphysical discomfort around the UWS Ivy Leaguers is real. Can I cross the threshold? Perhaps only by playing the clown.

Must get back to expanding my mind even though it won’t change the fact that I’m not a contender for HQ. I’m not doing to well in the expansion department either. No genteel poverty here. Frankly, this whole summer intensive thing is killing me. No sleep, paranoid delusions, too much coffee and frozen treats and ruined relationships all around. Sorry, world. I guess it’s a matter of Posh or Not.

Monday’s mulling over*: cheese, Chelsea and cereal come with the territory

First, cryptic exchange:

girl: “Sorry about…you know.”

bloke: “It comes with the territory.”

girl: “Of what?”

bloke: “Of dating.”

girl: “You mean this is normal?”

CHEESE: They put on a mini concert in Pierre’s backyard. It was too early but that earliness combined with the insecurity of partythrowers and the general scrambling into one’s empty hipster posers on the concrete ground in front of these glasses wearing button up shirt dudes focused as naturally behind the Casio as anything, as the shirts bound their bodies in repose, created a series of fizzles and pops as the rain stopped and started and I could see bloke wiping the keyboard with his checkered sleeve as he played a sweeping, too lush rendition of Talkie Walkie…I tried to acquire an umbrella from random bystander to cover it but God made the rain stop and made the hipsters stop spilling out onto the street to request a Doogie Howser song.

Gay boyfriend gave me massages, aghast at the “gristle”, I sat on Mar’s lap to protect myself from the empty hole that was the concrete spot that wasn’t being danced on. Her lap was surprisingly sit-on-able. We wore grey Uniqlo jeans and black tops, matching but not, and she didn’t want to dance except they played the first notes of the Beverly Hills Cop song and she jumped up as a matter of course. It was when the bright spots of Mar’s sister and her wide-eyed bf from Indiana strolled in, one in magenta, the other in emerald green, bumping in time with the end of a song that Mar shrieked with laughter and the party began to gell into the Casio and the Casio into it. By the time the Cupcake cafe cupcakes arrived everyone was involved.

Mar said “You missed the Ace of Base” to incomers, fully establishing the Casio’s existence and later on Kklov asked bloke why he didn’t record it on tape. It managed, by good intention and high class, to become an event of sorts, however short its inception and delivery dampened by drizzle. It hadn’t occurred to me to sound record since I was busy photographing. I hide behind photographing, that became sure at the party.

Mar was worried about a “corporate” coming that evening from Wall Street world. “This party is so hipster. I don’t know what to do! He’s going to get scared!” I was secretly proud, because both Casio boys were from uptown and had only been in Williamsburg once in their entire lives, strange speciies that smell of star lilies and fresh Ernest Sewn jeans. Their every move is sharp and dictated by something.

Post mini concert we threw around the pretty cupcakes, gay bf mashed one up against my BubbleYum jaws. The party happened before one could feel awkward. In some moment of vague unitedness between me and the boy up to the second floor, Mar came up to me on the rickety threshold separating the party and the real world, after looking inside the giftbag she’d cursorily opened pre-party just to say “Did you actually buy this bag?” and I “Yeah, it was 4.50$ can you believe it?” She couldn’t, or could, didn’t matter really. (Our poverty isn’t so much matching these days, but i can’t keep up). She rummaged in the bag and looked at me with big eyes “I didn’t look in here before but miso, this stuff is really expensive!” “A lot of it was on sale,” I offered. Bloke elbowed me and said “Don’t say that.” “Why not?” I had spent much time selecting the precise beauty product that would fit into her life – including contemplating the purchase of a fragrance combo called “Deeply Mysterious.” but I settled on something more practical, namely a bunch of random stuff. “Yeah, the story’s better,” Mar said.

Lots of people mingled like it was a proper backyard party and tequila and whiskey. iTunes experienced its heyday. Huge plates of cheese and raw food, the latter for the [famous hair company] people who wore tight highwater hot pants, bathing suit tops, and oversize sunglasses. Upon purveying this corporeal audacity, I felt triumphant that I could carry on gaudiness even though I have been so reviled for it for most of my life by black-grey-and-a-touch-of- neon aesthetes.

Anyway, they’ve lost a lot of weight doing it raw. Cigarettes bound all types of food-eaters together, a bloke taking it to a new level with tobacco in a pipe. Shernoff broke out his sunglasses and was the living embodiment of the movie Knocked Up. Me and Bloke went separate ways to understand ourselves in new social relations including talking to the opposite sex, ending up on one of Pierre’s strange mini sofa chairs in the bathroom line where I had to do something predictable like straddle and coo until another distraction came along. Mostly that distraction was some crazed spectacle or Mar’s emeralded sister bumping her shoulders up and down to music. Somebody got to say loudly “I farted!” Tall people got to accuse other tall people of “vibing” each other. I got to flex some iTunes prowess but mostly I lost my cellphone or rather someone stole it.

At the end on the stoop boy walked out to discover Sevedox freshly landed from a plane from India, with a sombrero on his head, holding a bottle of Sauza and a cellphone holder from Nepal for me, in which my cellphone should’ve ended up but didn’t.

You may have gotten the gist of it, but the party was for Mar’s birthday. She is a year closer to me and I am closer to nothing, except my meds, which will run out in a month and I don’t know what to do, because I have no health insurance now, as a full-time student. My mental health I care nothing for, but the sleeping I have issue with. I have no idea how I will sleep. I’ve been an insomniac for most of my life so it was a relief to discover there were things that I could take that would nonaddictively make sleep my friend. No longer did I have to conduct massive rituals to create the illusion of ease before my bed. No longer did I have to guarantee the absence of person next to me, sound, or bacteria.

Funnily enough my dreams have ceased to be about flying. They are now about boats, sex, space, all things that frighten the hell out of me.

CHELSEA, and a bunch of raw shit:  The week has been eventful. Chalk another one up for the Hating Miso club. Of course I am always paranoid about people hating me but when it actualizes it is more a curious event than one to be truly lamented, mostly because one doesn’t know what to do when faced with someone one fears constantly. I know I feel that way around fish. Part of the drama is due to the endemic wack particles of the situation, like timing, temprement, dress sense, body types, word choices, stances, principles, childhood baggage, tendency to cloak insult in offhand comments, tendency to read insult in offhand comments, the emotional insufficiencies of either party – and a lot of it my own isues – but the relative normalcy of the other things in my life lessen the dramatic impact of the hatred directed towards me.

On lying as HQ: Stephen Glass in Class

In the cafeteria, eating my frozen treat. I have a herculean art History book to read. It’s unopened, too big really. Somebody should’ve thought of that before they made it so…

Yesterday: “What are the dates of the Pyramids of Giza? Menkaure? Khafra?” repeated over and over. flash cards out the window. Wine did nothing. I’d be told the dates of Khafra and asked it again one second after, and I’d forget it, because I have fog in my brain, like I have now, which can only understand frozen treats, can’t see index cards although I do remember the cherry red lips uttering the dates of Khafra, Kufu, the Temple of Hatshepsut, over and over again, grilling me – then we watched Hell’s Kitchen (the Gordon Ramsey reality show) and that was good.

Last night: I twisted in bed in many configurations, even with 1.5 glasses of wine down (they don’t like me to drink it ‘cus I get red in the face, but God, my thoughts…) but “inspired” I said but really wired, by spending time with overachievers. The Korean in me connects with that, the displaced in me kicks myself multiply throughout connection, for not being like them. I want to wear a Johns Hopkins shirt. I want to have a Juilliard messenger bag. What I will have is lavendar hair, because of gay boyfriends. I will have soap operas because of fucked up friendships, multiplied by fucked up self and fucked up town. I will have a funny family that kills me, and not the loving mother and father that provides too still of a launching pad.

I love dinner parties.

Hipsters Being Dead is Dead to Me

The past 24 hours have been rough on us. By us, I mean hipsters. Embrace it. Skinny pants are over.

Feministing disses on the white hipsters for trying out ghetto fab. ‘Cus that’s a privilege.

AND

Time Out’s Hipster Must Die article that broke the mouths of hipster hell. (quote attrib Mar) I haven’t read it yet although people are screaming in my ear about it. I say, “Am I going to be so furious I won’t be able to sleep or do anything?” They say: “Maybe you’re not ready.” I brace myself, set aside a few Buds, rest up my feet, antioxidant tea for later, ciggs.

Houseboy promises massages: “Did you read the article yet?” shake head. “Not going to read it?” Silence. “Don’t you think you should read it?”

Five hours later, be still my apathetic heart, comment wars consumed between my ironic chops, I’ll be a Yipster when I’m done. Or worse, corporate.

Somebody take me back to a New Jersey mallstrip. I’m outie.

Thursday’s contemplation of imminent terror, stalking part II.

A sort of terror : the nameless grip of which, one is constricted by. Tiny bursts of it upon interaction, tightening ones muscles to brace aloneness to your breast, the likelihood of it close to you as breath. There’s definitely a bitter glass thing between you and the outside world. As sure as the cups of coffee littering my desk and the books in my bag and the minihighlighters with which I will mark them and the plans i have tonight and the drunken ride home where I must nurse a friend’s similar perceived failures. There is glass between me and the train too. Speech helps, moving and dancing helps, looking for lights in peoples eyes (knowing it is as temporary as yours) but nausea and anguish still occurs and it’s more sad than scary; at least fear is palpable. With sadness, it is bottomless, and there is no foreseeable end. The funny thing is – and that’s the cosmic laughter – it’s so bitter it’s like swallowing a tear – that you have no problem living with it. It’s as real as day.

But first, actual things: I got props from the Kugelmass for posting up Tiga’s cover of “Down In It,” he further analyzes NIN, then I moved onto his clever calling out of high-culture heads on their preference for dry, astringent things (Clinic, for 1) over “schmaltz” and sweetness, for no instrinsic reason.

Then, terrorizing gone wrong: Anyhow yesterday’s organix supermarket terrorizing went terribly wrong. I began doing my occasional anal retentive, harboring resentment, boiling up divisions of right and wrong, shading my universe with pluses and minuses confusing the hell out of me while i waited outside American Apparel sucking on a cigarette. Asm came along with a bag of chicken wings and a tepid smile. I greeted her with no smile. I felt underwhelmed and soulless. Things picked up a little inside AA where of course, popping out of those incredibly garish, frightening fitting rooms in a flimsy garb designed to make one look like a slut or a wrestler or both, is intrinsically hilarious. She kindly helped me choose something to exchange the scarf I bought my ex boyfriend that he didn’t want because he had a 300$ burberry scarf and the 28$ one that I bought him, in an effort to bring turquoise into his life, did not see to his more tasteful tastes.
Going down the escalator of the supermarket we terrorize, I felt more foreboding; our journey was no longer easy, no longer peppered with gay, random, superlative superfluities. No – rather I felt the zit on my chin, which has tormented me for two weeks, protruding and taking over the wintery surface of my skin in front of the absurdly decorated gourmet goods; Asm’s face was blank and her queenly big hair bounced back and forth with a blinking divining of her desires and tastes which she scrutinized hard. I was not divining my desires; I was busy in the grip of a generalized fear, as I’d had over my caffeine allowance of that day, way over, and even though we’d have quite a laughing time trying on clothes at AA and she put away all my clothes on the correct hangers for me and I returned my library books on time, even though all of this, I was scared there was no way we’d make appropriate contact with all of the people waiting for us to bless them with our presence; namely, the coffee counter people, and everyone else in the world thereafter. They were the measure of our future success. Don’t ask me how I came up with this logic.

Asm had made breakthrough last week : “you’re beautiful, you are. How old are you? oh, you’re just a boy! Where the other coffee boy?! What’s his name?!” Oh God how they loved her, how we laughed beside the counter and they gave us things and ditched other customers for us. We were carrying huge bags but no matter. She was wearing a white hoodie and I was wearing a seagreen shirt; we were fly. But yesterday she was wearing the same outfit as the day before, my hair had been combed for the first time in years, and there was no hint of previous organic supermarket terrorizing spontaneity or joy. Just a lugging around of a plastic green basket.

Fell asleep on the sofa, clad in a tight black dress, after a glass of Argentinian wine that was supposed to be peppery but it wasn’t, and a Miller High Life, after an apology to Asm for a shit night, after all our glorious projections of ultimate duality/making fun of people, while my roomie, in an American Apparel T-shirt, counselled me. He knew something was up: What’s up Miso? What’s this about? when I started harping on the two times last week I saw him eat a bowl of cereal and leave it on the living room table and how i make sure to make everything on the living room table symmetrical and nice, have a nice looking book on the table like “PornoCopia” and all the pens in the pen holder and a nice turqoise ashtray…I became slightly hysterical. “Make sure you wash those dishes” I had said sternly and Asm said “let the boy finish eating.” When she left I lay down extremely tired from the wine, and my roomie, who’s growing up before my eyes, counselled me, after admitting that yes, he did leave cereal bowls on the table sometime. He counselled me on not feeling like shit, it’s ok, it’s not your responsibility to be hardcore all the time, if you think something’s whack stick to being against it, friendship is about seeing through that shit, and so what if previous friendships haven’t held up to it?

Is it better to surf over it, I wondered? Like, shut up, pick your battles and all that? Normal people do that…but it always explodes.

He says don’t worry, it’ll work itself out. Just chill. Come from it from a perspective where you say how you feel, not how you think so and so is wrong. Just chill, he says. This from a boy who does Bikram Yoga 3x a week…he called me earlier to ask me if I wanted to get a beer because he was “depressed” and thought I’d enjoy the sight, since I’m usually the one depressed and he’s the bouncy happy boy who tells me to chill. The other day he told me I could get whatever I wanted if I just stopped being insecure. That I had what it takes. This from a 21 year old boy who does Bikram Yoga and whose depression consists of not being able to do more of the awesome shit he does becuase there’s just not enough hours in the day, not enough awesomeness to garner at once…

Back to Square 1, stalking Part !! I’m always one for stalking, especially stalking DJ’s – it’s not like I have any hope of making personal contact with them – like i was explaining to somebody yesterday, I have no sex drive and no desire for bodies. Bodies disgust me, since my own body disgusts me. I do enjoy the pictorialization of bodily imperfections, like a brilliant stretch mark, or as Asm said of my fresh cat scratch: “Sexy! She even made sure to leave a little smear of blood!” But now the weather’s warmer, sort of, not really, and we are girding ourselves to dance again. Yes, our old beaten legs and arms can flow rhtymcally again (in all my years i can never remember how to spell that shit). Even Asm said – even with her infallible, indestructible, overt intuition: “You dance kind of…unique. Like you’re really into it, like you don’t care. No one else dances like you.” She sounded surprised. You’d think I would dance like a slut, right? Wrong! I dance like an epileptic on klonopin…

Was Gawker right when they proclaimed, falsely two months ago, that a dance revolution was coming? Whatever. I’m heralding a mini one beginning most likely tonight at ISS Thursdays at Tribeca Grand. But when you herald things they rarely…herald. The resulting trumpeting will be more of a crimpet, a curdle. Probably. I doom things the minute I hope them.

The last time I went it was nearly empty and I was stupidly, wearing an all white outfit and buying 8$ budweisers for Asm. However I feel hope that parties will be good again – last year was tame, sallow – surely a yin yang thing. Plus ever since the raucous choatic sexuality that was the New Years Party I and Blip threw, I do believe that big bangs are something to believe in if it’s well done. Although I haven’t been able to spend time with myself for two weeks straight and those quiet recordings into my tiny computer mic…are disappearing into an ambient noise.

Surfing on the skin of a vague feeling.

Music News: I uploaded more Ladytron songs on my server. Am i going to get sued? And, the Blow and Matt and Kim are playing a FREE SHOW somewhere in NYC, unknown as of yet. On Saturday. I am there.

 

A Hard to Resist Invitation

…after you’re so over. (Listen to this week’s shortbus incredibly synthy, disco set and be hopeful)

So I get into work remarkably well rested and feeling good for the 1st time this week – I’m gungho, don’t even need a caffeine pill but take one anyway just for the hell of it. I’d woken up to Alana helping me with my outfit and its possible matching bikini tops and stirring her oatmeal -a girly sort of morning.

Yes, I have plans, I am dressed up for a reason, any reason would do,but this time being a hard to resist invitation:

People of vast and exanding intelligence,

It feels to me as if I have not seen a core contingent of such lovable
characters as yourselves for some time now. Why not bust this bitch
ass slump by eating booze and food. Tomorrow I am actually preparing
to die because I am 26 years old, which is a really silly age to be.
Forget death actually; let us be convivial and cheers me to another
year of purely coasting on fading charm. To augment intimacy and
decrease funding I nominate the beautiful ** to host the
dinner at her house. I know this is last minute but it is also low
key so make it if you can and fucking die if you can’t.

Nobility, a mindset.

Rude awakenings

The XXX has taken it upon himself to text me at 10am with I would love to buyu a cafe. Upon my “Why,”He answered No reason, I just thought it would b nice. i have always thought u r talented woman but was never ur friend 2 support u. The funniest thing I heard in ages.Last night, talking to thetherapist about my childhood (upon her request, I’d rather bitch about current events) – she asked, after I described a few incidents, “Why are you laughing? It’s not funny.”When you look at things in the past they just seem pathetic, funny, maneagable. And she said “I’m angry for you. I’m feeling what you should be feeling but you’r’e not, for some reason. You should be feeling something.” She’s going to help me feel what she’s feeling.

I am feeling the buzz of guarana, which is something. I also have a new project to work on! A. Foundation’s “Speak out against Domestic Violence” grant…due on August 1st, Tuesday. That’s how I like to do – last minute! Chaos! Back to the DV, in all forms

Research is for Pussies

I’ve always wanted to be a slice of data, a dataset, a sliver of silver.  I’ve been lucky enough to be in the position to do research this past week or so, scouring for anything to prove that ENY immigrant kids are f**d.  There’s a lot of anecdotal stuff but not a lot of hard facts. I need stuff like: White people x times more likely to commit suicide and definitely binge drink more than Hispanics. But nothing on the side of the immigrants except for those fiery Koreans boy, you better watch out for them…

What’s hard about going through the ACS, Dept of Mental Health, for delightful pictures of the misery of New York-kind, is that I’m confronted with myself as said immigrant, as bitch, ho, troubled one, abused, etc. Everyone’s a statistic in a sense; but it’s brutal to have to research yourself as the subject of govt sponsored study. Like, the govt knows their shit, & shit – how important mental health is to saving tax dollars, etc. The ACS website looks the shit, the DYFS website looks the shit – nyc.gov/health makes pretty health profiles for communities that tell you exactly how many people in a certain zipcode want to off themselves.  The solutions are to eat right and look people in the damn eye.  Research is so easy. If I want to know about gardens I look for gardening stuff on the web, you get something like this and your in. The solutions are to smile more often and get thee a boyfriend or a girlfriend to watch t.v. with and get fat with.  They did not do anything for me, these places.  These places get so much money – Safe Horizon, for instance.  The one time I called them I got a jacked, impatient sounding girl who told me to call back later after I called the police.  Now that’s not nice. That’s simply not professional.

So forgive me if i’m a little cynical as to the efficacy of these organizations that may be just a cover for the govt really fucking up, or people fucking up, or whatever it is in the water that’s fucking us up.  As statistics show there are gazillions of people – or rather,

6% of New Yorkers who report having clinically significant emotional distress.  Persons with this distress often experience depressiion….blah blah…substantially interfere with a major life activity, such as eating, maintaining a household, working, or developing and maintaining personal relationships.  A person who is very depressed or anxious may be more likely than others to engage in behaviors that contribute to poor health, such as smoking, getting no exercise and eating a poor diet.

These telephone surveys are jacked though.  Who do you know that’s ever done a telephone survey? I conducted one once with the people in South Dakota or something for a MoveOn initiative involving persuading people to vote for Kerry, but that was pretty ridiculous.  What I got out of that was learning how to make mojitos.  (It was a mojito calling-people-to-vote-for-Kerry party).  Anyway the point is, if the aforementioned counts as depression pretty much everyone is depressed, innit. Except for my dad who pops chlorophyll pills and has never damaged his body more than his eyeballs looking at unpretty things. That is one not-depressed person!

states of research: I haven’t slept much for a week – 3 hours last night – and doing copious amounts of research which will probably come to naught since I have very little influence in my place of work, research on issues in which i already have very intimate knowledge of – or should i say anecdotal – which I wouldn’t be able to use here in these 300,000$ proposals, no it simply wouldn’t do – furthermore i haven’t seen my therapist in 2 weeks.  I’ll see her today thank god, but first i have to go to a Staff/karoake/dinner meeting in which we will get down with the chicken drumsticks.  How hilariously fun, bonding, lovely.

The harddrive was for naught, and so was my work, all in a day’s love: So the New Orleans video for the church I went down with, did not even take place yesterday as planned.  I was happy enough to receive the tall pastor’s assistant’s apologies, and the very typically beautiful Chris picking me up and hugging me so I got to be lifted off the floor for a few minutes. I arrived late, sweaty, shaky from a caffeine pill, panicky from hunched over a computer working with fraction second increments of video. Everyone was already there – John, who looked somehow radiant, if a guy could be – sat there with an inexplicable role of plaid wrapping paper in a CVS bag, and Ian and Mary sat looking fashionable and bored out of their minds (but supportive). JL came right behind me, distastefully beholding the Jesus aspect and the fact that I kept spilling stuff on my inappropriate striped Rainbow tank dress. He in contrast was smooth in his Brooks Brother’s shirt, plucky and shaved.